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Black women are hyper visible to scrutiny about their relationship status especially if you are in your thirties and single. The perpetual cycle of male podcasters providing their opinions unprovoked, the interrogating inquiries from overzealous close family and friends, or the on slot of social media memes; however, even with that Black women are no longer subscribing to societal constructs and timelines on love, relationships, and marriage. Contrary to widespread belief, singleness has become the new wave, Reka Robinson, certified NLP Life Coach proclaimed it best: SINGLENESS IS NOT A PUNISHMENT. While the desire for partnership or companionship may exist, Black women are reshaping the narrative and defining singleness for themselves. Singleness is stigmatized and weaponized against Black women; however, I had the pleasure of interviewing four beautiful Black women living the single life on their own terms their responses are candid, transparent, vulnerable, and raw.
HOW ARE YOU DEFINING AND MAXMIZING YOUR SINGLENESS?
Sydney Hall, 30
“My selfish time. It is the most valuable time in your life. A time to learn who you are, what you like, and what you need. Many people enter relationships with no clear understanding of themselves which creates problems in the future of their relationship. I plan to maximize my singleness by diving into every inch of who I am and pouring into myself until I meet someone who can love and support that fully.”
Jess Smith, 35
“I’m taking the time to be the best version of myself so I can give that version of me to others. Often, Single can be defined as being lonely. I find ways to use that “lonely” time as a time to build a healthy foundation for myself and my family which includes personal growth, self-development and strengthening my spiritual core values. my time is valuable and don’t allow men to take that for granted. As a woman we often assume having a partner will fill-in where we may fall short or meet our unmet needs. You often hear men screaming be MY PEACE! No! We both need to be our own peace and we can pour that into each other. I have been working diligently to organize my life in a way that everything has a priority. Lately, I find my taking care of me more by taking myself on solo dates unashamed, being more creative and picking up new hobbies like playing tennis and painting. watching documentaries and reading up on things I never knew I was interested in. I am also doing very well in my career. Given the circumstances I am not sure I would have accomplished if I were still in a relationship. I find myself saying: “I’m proud of you girl!”
Matika Holmes, 33
“Focusing on my goals and preparing myself to be the best woman I can be. I spent most of my twenties in serious relationships and then BOOM I hit thirty and it was like a light switch came on and I automatically just wanted to do me. Contrary to trendy belief dating in my thirties has been quite entertaining but overall good! I have expanded my outlook on who, and why am dating and I have learned not only what I want in a partner, but also ways in which I can improve myself, so that I can be a great partner to someone. I enjoy being alone, doing things alone, and experiencing new things. Hell, I’m enjoying my space! My hope is that when I meet that special person, we both will have experienced so many things separately that when we come together, our memories will be exhilarating, and we can just live the best life possible because we’ve already established ourselves and can focus on more important things than what we “bring to the table”. Honestly, I can say the narrative that I feel is being portrayed on social media can be draining. It can have single women lose hope in what they want and what they will find in a future partner, but I always say the more time you look for others to tell you what you should do or how you be in a relationship —-that you’re not even in at the moment —-is less time that you can do the work on yourself. Talk to God, a therapist, meditate, whatever you must do to get right with yourself so that way when in the person that you have been dreaming or praying about comes to you, you’re ready!
T’Erica Hudson, 31
“Liberating, Lonely and Limited. Liberating in the concept of choosing and doing me! Booking the trip, exploring the city, getting the wax, reading the book, and etc. Free of someone else emotions, baggage, and brokenness. A healthy measurement of a carefree girl living in her non-committed world. I am no longer waiting around to experience life with a partner, I am doing what makes my inner soul happy. Lonely in those moments whenever you want to share the depths of soul with someone beyond your family and friends. I am talking the vulnerable, broken, and beautiful self. The cornerstone of your heart that only you and God see. I am positive that this singleness time is Limited. As a believer, I know that God will fulfill all his promises, including preparing me for my spouse and him for me. Singleness is designed for me to feel “Lonely” so I can grow intimately with God and “Liberating” so that I can love me deeply and radically. Those feelings are temporary, I will not always feel lonely. And I will be able to recognize and receive love because I have learned to love me well. Everything has its place and season, including singleness and marriage.
My singleness season is time well spent; I’m making it count! I’m loving, worshipping, creating, traveling, nurturing, working, celebrating, reading, encouraging, caring, learning, praying, growing, volunteering, mentoring, exploring, sharing, supporting, organizing and shopping.”
Singleness can feel like you’re on the journey alone; however, it’s important to have spaces that center the realness of the single life, I’ve highlighted some of my favorite transparent, raw and joyous single girl spaces!
Listen to Your Single Friend embraces the good, the bad and the lonely and centers the philosophy: “your relationship status does not dictate your happiness or worthiness. Hosted by Jazmine Kaness.
IG: @listentoyoursinglefriend
The Hey, Girlfriend Podcastrelatable conversations on a myriad of topics to empower you on your journey in singleness. Hosted by Mindset and Intuitive Coach, Kindall D.
IG: @ivebeebthatgirltoo
Single You Academy helps the frustrated woman break cycles and keep her boundaries. Hosted by NLP Life Coach Reka Robinson, also known as The Single Girls Life Coach.
IG: @justmereka
To Be Single or Not to Bediscusses navigating life with or without a partner and the long-term cause and effects. Hosted Relationship Educator Shaanah Montanna.
IG: @shaanahmontanna
Whether you are facing hard truths, embracing where you are or living unapologetically ultimately, it is your prerogative to define singleness in the capacity that brings fulfillment to your personal journey. You are not defined by your relationship status, cheers to being thirtysomething, fly and single!
